6 yo GS #2 has “tickle days” and “non-tickle days.” He used to make out calendars for us, the ticklers, and mark the days when tickling was allowed with big X’s. It was great! We, the ticklers, got 2, 3 maybe 4 days a week. It varied according to his whims. But lately he has turned to prescheduled days. Only Tuesdays and Saturdays are “tickle days” now and that’s it. If you aren’t around on a Tuesday or a Saturday, I’m sorry, you are out of luck. No changes allowed. No bargaining, no reasoning, no bribing. And if the Tickle Monster (which happens to be my right hand) should make an unscheduled appearance, there are no exceptions for royalty either. Sorry Tickle Monster, maybe next week!
When he says it’s a “no tickle day,” it”s a “no tickle day.” And really that’s okay. He does have the right to decide when adult touching is no longer fun or comfortable. In fact, I believe all children have that right to say when “no tickling” or other adult touching is not allowed. Don’t misunderstand me. This boy loves a good tickle fest and giggles hilariously when chased by Tickle Monster. But when enough is enough and he says so, it stops. And it should stop for every child.
My niece (bless her sweet little heart) can tell you what happens to a child when the right to say “stop” is taken away. She was mentally and emotionally tortured by her mother and sexually attacked routinely by her father from toddlerhood to her teen years. She had no childhood and so never learned many things we all take for granted that everyone knows.
She’s been in therapy for several years and can tell you the impact the abuse has had on every decision she has ever made. She can tell you the impact it still has on her marriage, her self-image, her self-worth, her ability to take risks. At age 40 she is still trying to learn about love, hate, forgiveness, revenge, trusting, blame, fear, truth and on it goes.
She can tell you how hard it has been and how it feels as though it will never end. I can tell you I love her and think she is very brave. She stopped the abuse with her and vowed it would never touch her children. And it has not. That cost her the only family she knew at the time.
It wasn’t a real family but she did not realize it then. She now has us and we are a real family. She doesn’t miss any part of what she gave up. What strength my niece has, I can’t even tell you! And she continues to work at battling the demons that so-called “family” had her believing.
So don’t think for one minute that little ones will forget or “get over” mistreatment from adults. They don’t. They have a keen sense of fairness, right and wrong, what feels good, what feels uncomfortable, what adults should do to/with children and what they should not. They know when it most definitely is NOT a “tickle day” and they have the inborn right to say so.
We must honor that. We must show them we care for them MORE than we care for ourselves or our wants. There are lots of ways to have fun with children and violating their personal space or integrity is not among them.
I only wish I knew how to put it into words all those years ago so I wouldn’t have lost so much time with you, U.R. and my cousins. It’s not just therapy that helps me, it’s you.
Much love to you always
Your niece in another state
And you help us, too Sweetie.
Remeber you are only as sick as your secrets. Don’t ever stop telling the truth of what happened. You are an amazing lady and I am so glad that you chose your Maunt and wellness over, “family and sickness. LOVE YA and Mauntie you are AWESOME! I am addicted to your blog almost as much as your nieces.
I know your niece. She is a precious jewel. So thankful she is working through her pain.
What a beautiful post!! I’m a huge fan of Sharons, she always makes me laugh. I find her even more incredible now!! What a blessing to be able to come from such a place of pain yet be a mother who shows such love to her own children. Thank you for sharing her story.
You are welcome. It was not easy but I believe MLK Jr. when he said “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” We must continue to speak out.
What an enlightening post. Sad that everyone involved has to endure so much pain for
Love the blog, Granny! I just found you today and read all the past posts. I’ll be subscribing so I get every new post! Congratulations! And good job! Hugs, Barb
Thank you for sharing this story. Both of you are amazing.